Meditation Kicks Ass

Year Three Week Twenty-One

My Crib, Cherrywood, ATX

So I know this is 

RATHER ABRUPT

but at least for awhile

MAYBE FOREVER

this is the 

LAST INSTALLMENT

of

Meditation Kicks Ass

I think it is 

EPISODE #437

which means cumulatively

somewhere between 

ONE QUARTER AND ONE HALF MILLION

words dedicated to

observing my practice

and the ways it has brought

SO MUCH POSITIVE CHANGE

into my life

I am 

SO GRATEFUL

to all of you who’ve tuned in

those who’ve followed

THE ENTIRE JOURNEY

and those who’ve just

POPPED IN NOW AND THEN

the reasons I am taking

A BREAK

include the sudden changes

of the past couple of months

most notably 

THE ACQUISITION 

of a ranch and ranch house

that need much work

and also

THE NEED TO FOCUS

on my

TINY CHAPEL DREAM

I know we only have

EACH MOMENT

and I know I am

NOT IN CONTROL

but still

I have a working deadline

to try to get  

the chapel going

to create this space

which will be used for

among other things

MEDITATION RETREATS

the work I had to do

to get the ranch

was pretty intense

which is not a complaint

it was really really cool

to see how much I could learn so fast

with the guidance of so many

SMART FRIENDS

but once the deal was done

I fell 

QUITE ILL

that was ten days ago

I am 

STILL SICK

on the mend but 

STILL SUFFERING PHYSICALLY

which is always 

a sharp if unwanted reminder that

WE ALL HAVE LIMITS

I was stuck in bed

for many days

which gave me 

TIME TO THINK

and as ever

MY MEDITATION 

helped me truly focus

on what most needs my attention

I have got to

SELL MY HOUSE

and 

I have got to

PACK MY HOUSE

and 

I have got to

MOVE MY HOUSE

and then I have to

OVERSEE FIXING THE NEW HOUSE

which means I 

simply must

take a break from

some of my very

WELL ESTABLISHED ROUTINES

including this blog

This is not the first time

I have posted a picture

sitting in front of

THE LINE OF GRATITUDE

the place where I collect

all of the many 

THANK YOU CARDS

people send me

I think that

this will be the

VERY LAST THING I PACK

I want to leave it up

til the end

It is such a

WONDERFUL DYNAMIC SOUVENIR

of ten and a half

AMAZING YEARS

in this house

and so

again I say

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Thank you for reading this

Thank you for helping fund my

MEDITATION BOOK

Thank you for 

ENCOURAGING ME

Thank you for

BEING PART OF MY TINY CHAPEL DREAM

and above all

THANK YOU FOR BREATHING WITH ME

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I

BOW DEEPLY

Namaste Y’all

Love

Spike

NOTES: There’s a benefit concert at Spider House on 10/18 to raise funds for the Tiny Chapel. There’s also a FB page where you can follow the Tiny Chapel Dream news. And if you’d like to, you can MAKE A DONATION HERE. Thanks!

Year Three, Week Twenty

Sick Bed, My Crib

I don’t get sick often

but when I do

I AM SUCH A HUGE BABY

(with all due respect to babies)

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

being sick

but then

I really do try to

LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE

this all started yesterday

and by last night

my throat was sufficiently sore

that I decided to go to

URGENT CARE

rather unusual for me to

be something like proactive

regarding illness

I almost always just

TOUGH IT OUT

but yesterday I was remembering

the time I had strep so bad

and I waited way too long

to seek care

and how the nurse practitioner

who checked me out

RECOILED 

at what she saw

said she wasn’t even going to

wait for the culture results

and she loaded me up not just with

ANTIBIOTICS

but also 

VICODIN

because that is the agony I was in

so realising this could

happen again

and knowing I have

couples counting on me

to marry them in a few days

and also ACL company arriving 

whom I do not want to infect

I got me to the walk-in clinic

and this was a 

SUCH A GREAT EXPERIENCE

because as I drove over

I thought about how

WOW! I CAN AFFORD THIS!

and also about how

WOW! I HAVE INSURANCE!

and how that insurance might even

cover the visit

and also about how

I’m mostly healthy

and then at the clinic

THEY WERE SO NICE

really, if you don’t count the part

where I feel like

TOTAL SHIT

it was all so wonderful 

so I was 

OOZING GRATITUDE

in addition to mucus

then more gratitude because

I got the great news

IT’S NOT STREP

but nonetheless 

I have been leveled

and cannot get up from this bed

I am just 

RESTING RESTING RESTING

so I can teach a class tonight

and I’m sitting here

thinking about why

BEING SICK IS SCARY

and I know the answer

because it reminds me with

ABSOLUTE CLARITY

how really not in control I am

and it 

RINGS THE BELL OF IMPERMANENCY

and makes me acknowledge

how very short this ride is

BEING SICK

is also scary because it

reminds me of my

VULNERABILITY

and how much I

don’t like 

ASKING FOR HELP

but then that in turn

reminds me of how

ACTUALLY

I have totally learned how to

ASK

and

RECEIVE

and

UNDERSTAND THAT’S OKAY

Toward that end

I have wonderful news

in case you’ve not already heard

My Angel Investors

BOUGHT ME A RANCH!!

One day I will buy it back from them

but for now

they made it possible

for me to

have a place

out in the country

with a big house

and plenty of land

where I can host

weddings and funerals and concerts

and also

writing and meditation retreats

and also offer

SANCTUARY TO GRIEVING PARENTS

with the

TINY CHAPEL

I am working on getting

this is all

so beyond my wildest dreams

it is amazing

and so my

GRATITUDE GROWS 

Today I

Mouth Breathe In

and I

Mouth Breathe Out

and I will allow myself

a wee little

PITY PARTY

but really

mostly

I’m just

GRATEFUL

Thank you

NOTES: There’s a benefit concert at Spider House on 10/18 to raise funds for the Tiny Chapel. There’s also a FB page where you can follow the Tiny Chapel Dream news. And if you’d like to, you can MAKE A DONATION HERE. Thanks!

Year Three, Week Nineteen

My Crib, Cherrywood

The first year of this blog

I wrote an entry

EVERY DAY

I look back and

kind of can’t believe

I DID THAT

The second and third years

I have posted

ONCE PER WEEK

without fail

This week

I AM SO TIRED

and

I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON

really I am

JUST WHIPPED

but in the interest of

MAINTAINING THE PRACTICE

I thought I would

at least just pop in and

SAY HELLO

nothing profound today

no soaring metaphors

no wild encouragement

maybe just a reminder that

even when you 

don’t feel like

SHOWING UP

you should still

TRY

Today I

Breathe In

and I 

Breathe Out

and

I hope you are 

having an

OKAY DAY

Thank you

Year Three, Week Eighteen

Monhegan Island Sunset

Yesterday had some obstacles

Really there was just 

ONE BIG ONE

and a few little 

satellite irritations

that seemed bigger

because they 

TOOK ON THE ENERGY

of the 

BIG BUMP

A lot of you know

I am trying to

buy a

TINY CHAPEL

to put on some land

so I can 

CREATE A SPACE

for weddings and funerals 

and other gatherings

with the

BIGGEST GOAL

being to help

ALLEVIATE SUFFERING

I have had 

such a ridiculous 

amount of help

from so many of you

THANK YOU

one source of help

has come from

ANGEL INVESTORS

who bid on a beautiful property

where I can put the chapel

one of these investors

flew to town 

to see the property

and make the bid

whilst he was here

we visited the maker

of the 

TINY CHAPEL

that man has such

amazing vision

and

SUPER MAD SKILLS

when it comes to building

but yesterday he was

at least my perception

REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF

he wants me to 

pony up $50,000

which I have been

scurrying to raise

I’m not there yet

this week I am

selling my house

I’m doing the best I can

it’s all I can do

it’s what I’ve told him

ALL ALONG

but I got the idea yesterday

that he was accusing me

of lying or lacking integrity

or maybe he was just

trying to push my buttons

here’s the thing

IT DIDN’T WORK

not in the long run

in the short term

in the moment

as he was railing on me

and also

railing on my friend

INTERNALLY I FELT REACTIONARY

externally though

I tried to just

Breathe In

and

Breathe Out

I tried to have

COMPASSION 

for him

I tried to understand

some of his stress

comes from needing the money

and I also know

he has

VERY DEEP GRIEF

that informs his life

on a daily basis

it still didn’t feel good

being yelled at

and when I said

YOU’RE ANGRY

he said

NO– I’M DISAPPOINTED

which did nothing to soothe me

since that word

DISAPPOINTED

is such a trigger word

it is so very much

MY ANGRY DAD

but still

MOSTLY AND TO MY SORT OF SURPRISE

I didn’t take it too personally

and at the end of the conversation

still unclear on if 

I will get this chapel

or if he will sell it to the next guy

or even if I want to

do business with a guy who 

YELLS AT ME

well I said to him

DUDE LET ME TELL YOU WHAT

even if I never

see you again after today

your chapel

will always be 

AT THE HEART

of this endeavor that

has sprung up

in the past six weeks

YOUR CHAPEL

has been the catalyst

it has already 

brought so many people together

I don’t know 

if he heard me

I hope he did

Driving back to Austin

I felt kind of sick

I felt like

WELL THAT’S THE END OF THAT

but then

thanks to

MEDITATION

I stopped and assessed

MY REALITY

I was very very very 

TIRED

and I was very very very

OVER-CAFFEINATED

and I have been

BURNING IT AT BOTH ENDS

and I know these things

TAKE A TOLL

so I took action

I called two of my

BEST FRIENDS

and I said

Hey Will You Talk Me Down

and they did

and it was

actually pretty easy

and then

later in the day

when I thought about

how I was thinking about

how maybe the

SUN HAD SET ON GETTING THAT CHAPEL

I thought about 

Wayne Coyne’s

EXCELLENT LYRICS

in the song

DO YOU REALIZE

where he sings

The sun doesn’t go down

It’s just an illusion caused by the world

Spinning Round

The sun didn’t go down yesterday

I did get a little dizzy

from my world spinning too fast

but I remembered this

ALL THIS EXHAUSTION

ALL THIS WORK

ALL THIS THINKING

All of it is me

moving toward

this dream

of

MAKING A HEALING SPACE

and no matter

where it winds up being

and no matter

what building we end up with

IT

WILL

HAPPEN

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I just want to 

keep saying

THANKS EVERYBODY

We are getting there

With Love

and

With Gratitude

Year Three, Week Seventeen

Monhegan Island, Maine

I am back in

MY HAPPY PLACE

how fortunate I am

to visit here

TWICE EACH YEAR

to make my retreats happen

I have to work

to earn my keep

and that is

FINE BY ME

you know

come to think of it

MEDITATION

is how I work to keep

MY SANITY

and that

is also

FINE BY ME

I love every view

on this amazing island

but I really really really

LOVE

looking out over 

THE CEMETERY

it’s a great reminder of

IMPERMANENCE

I have so much going on right now

I am happy with all of it

but every day

I tell myself

STAY GROUNDED

and

I tell myself

PAY ATTENTION

and

I tell myself

one day

on a day I cannot know

CEMETERY

I need to remember that

So…

Thank you 

MONHEGAN ISLAND

for all of the views

for the salty air

for the incredible respite

for giving me a place

to feel safe

and

to slow down

at least by my standards.

I am so 

GRATEFUL

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I hope that 

you can find a way to

RETREAT

even if it is

just in your backyard

THANK YOU

NOTE: I am posting this as my Tiny Chapel IndieGoGo campaign winds down. I REALLY REALLY REALLY need help to make this dream come true. Please check out the campaign and donate if you can. Thank you! Here’s the link: 

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/going-to-the-chapel/x/3208269#/story

Year Three, Week Sixteen

My Crib, Cherrywood, ATX

Today a 

GENTLE REMINDER

about starting and maintaining

A DAILY PRACTICE

It is now nearly 

THIRTY-THREE MONTHS

since I became 

DEEPLY COMMITTED

to my 

MEDITATION

I did begin meditating in 2000

but there were many 

STOPS AND STARTS

some days I meditated three minutes

some days none at all

sometimes I took off

DAYS WEEKS A YEAR

but the blessing of an

EXTREMELY BRUTAL DEPRESSION

in December 2012

when for the ten billionth time

in my life

being alive felt 

OVERWHELMINGLY PAINFUL

was that I knew 

I had to do something

I knew the 

TRUE ME

wanted to live

and to thrive 

and to

turn the volume way down on

MY SUFFERING

so I decided to get

super serious about

MEDITATION

and ever since then

I HAVE NOT MISSED A SINGLE DAY

and ever since then

I HAVE NEVER HAD ANOTHER DEPRESSION

this is truly

I mean really

ABSOLUTELY

nothing short of

MIRACULOUS

Here’s something

really funny and awesome

about my practice

Over on Facebook

I post quite a few pictures of

THE AMAZING REBOUND

meditating with me

I know those pictures look staged

And though it’s true I can’t take them 

while I am actually meditating

those images represent

THE TRUTH

over the years I have been

SITTING

Rebound has trained herself

to join me

Every single time

I sit down to 

MEDITATE

she comes over

and either stares

DIRECTLY INTO MY FACE

(which I can feel

even though my eyes are closed)

or she lies very still 

right in front of me

until the 

FINAL GONG

of my meditation app

let’s us know

our session for the day is finished

So if Rebound

who, to be honest,

is not the

SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

can figure out 

A DAILY PRACTICE

trust me here

SO CAN YOU

Just remember

as with everything

it’s all about

BABY STEPS

If you start with

just one minute per day

of simply

PAYING ATTENTION

to your breathing

THAT COUNTS

do that for a few days or weeks

then you can move to

sitting on a cushion

and closing your eyes

and you can do that

for three minutes

and build up to five

just please 

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP

as you learn

THE BEAUTY OF MEDITATION

and don’t forget

as long as you are

TRYING

and as long as you are

BREATHING

Well then

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG

oh no, not at all

YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT

Today I 

Breathe in

and I

Breathe out

And I am so grateful

for my practice

and for my

MEDITATION BUDDY

Thank you

NOTE: I am working very hard now to raise funds to open a Meditation Center/Wedding Chapel/Community Gathering Space in Austin, TX. If you are able to, please consider contributing to my TINY CHAPEL FUND. You can just CLICK THIS LINK. Any donation helps. Thank you so much!

Year Three, Week Fifteen

Sitting in the Light

I had such an excellent

MEDITATION

this morning 

it was really so great

it wasn’t one of the 

VERY VERY RARE ONES

where for a split second

I am actually completely 

IN THE MOMENT

and lose track of

where my body ends

and the air around me begins

(and ironically disappears

that other moment

the moment I become 

aware of the moment

I am completely in)

But then it wasn’t 

one of those sits

where I am so 

RIDDLED WITH ANXIETY

that the session 

feels something like

FUTILE

like I am paying 

LAME LIP SERVICE

to my practice

instead of those extremes

TODAY WAS A MIDDLE PATH DAY

I had moments of

Breathing In

and

Breathing Out

that were simply about

Breathing In

and 

Breathing Out

and then some

THOUGHTS CAME IN

but unlike so many 

other days this summer

and 

so many other sits

I was not

FEELING SICK

I had a good sense of

RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW

it was so lovely

and then of course

MY MIND WANDERED

and as I often do

I started writing in my head

something was coming in

about the middle path

an analogy to all of

THE WEIGHT

I have gained and lost

and lost and gained

in my life

I have been

UP AND DOWN THE SCALES

like a concert pianist

sometimes giving into

culture’s demands that

to be “beautiful”

I must not eat

sometimes giving into

the pain of heartbreak and worry

EMOTIONAL DISCOMFORT THAT PRECLUDES EATING

other times I went

the other way

and just

STUFFED MY FACE

and put it all back on

and then some

in my adult life

upon my 5′5″ frame

I have at times

carried 125 pounds

and at other times

cleared 200 pounds

(granted the high end

came with pregnancy

but still)

These days

I just hang out in the middle

usually around

A BUCK AND A HALF

recently I dropped a few

not out of extreme desire to do so

more of a combination of

SO MUCH SUMMER ANXIETY

and also a concerted effort to

lay off sugar and wheat

because they cause my

ARTHRITIS 

to flare painfully

You know I say that

but just this morning

I had a 

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE

for breakfast

and as I ate it

I thought

THAT WAS A GOOD CHOICE

because it really did

make me so happy

this is where 

I try to stay now

in my 

MIND BODY SPIRIT

somewhere in the middle

NOT TOO MANY EXTREMES

I work to not

beat myself up

if my

MEDITATION

doesn’t yield

PROFOUND ENLIGHTENMENT

or 

totally eradicate my

ANXIETY

I think of my anxiety as 

MY MIND’S WEIGHT

I won’t ever 

hit some ideal

and some days

(so very many days recently)

MY MIND’S WEIGHT

felt like such a burden

today though

as I sat on my cushion

which is the mind’s version of

STEPPING ONTO THE SCALE

I noted that

I was in a place that

FELT VERY COMFORTABLE

and 

I had so much

GRATITUDE

another reminder that

you can’t do anything in

ONE FELL SWOOP

you just gotta

KEEP AT IT

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and it’s nice that

MY MIND’S PANTS

are neither

TOO TIGHT

or

TOO LOOSE

Thank You

NOTE: If you are able to, please consider contributing to my TINY CHAPEL FUND. You can just CLICK THIS LINK. Any donation helps. Thank you so much!

Year Three, Week Fourteen,

Downtown ATX

I have written 

QUITE A BIT

about the 

too much too fast

CHANGES 

happening in 

MY BELOVED AUSTIN

and no big surprise

despite all of my

BELLYACHING

it’s not like

the developers have

heeded my call

packed up

abandoned their projects

apologised, bowed, and 

LEFT THE BUILDINGS

oh no

they are 

STILL AT IT

and you know

it’s tired but true

THE ONLY CONSTANT IS CHANGE

and so I must

ADJUST

either by figuring out a way

to stay here

or 

taking it somewhere else

I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE

well wait

I might be moving a little bit

because suddenly

in my own life

this has been

THE SUMMER OF ASTONISHING CHANGE

so many things are happening

things I never saw coming

(because of course

that is how so often it goes)

Some of you know

I am currently trying to

CROWD FUND A TINY CHAPEL

the plan is

I will sell my

BELOVED HOUSE

the one I thought I’d die in

and use the money

to buy the land

to put the chapel

to make the space

to hopefully help

ALLEVIATE SUFFERING

this plan has

so many moving parts

any single part could

GRIND TO A HALT

at any given moment

but I am trying very hard 

to just

EMBRACE THE POSSIBILITIES

last week

I made the mistake of

GETTING ATTACHED TO THE NARRATIVE

this left me

constantly worried

WHAT IF THIS PART FAILS?

WHAT IF THAT PART FAILS?

and then a wise electrician

reminded me of

IMPERMANENCE

and he said

FOCUS ON THE VISION

and worry less about the specifics

LET THE DETAILS APPEAR IN TIME

man I needed to hear that

right when I heard it

and it allowed me to

BREATHE

and just

LET GO

I am still

VERY VERY VERY EXCITED

at the prospect of

creating a

HEALING SPACE

I know it will happen

I cannot wait to see

just how it does

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I say

THANK YOU 

to everyone who has

lovingly encouraged me

as I leap into this place called

HOPE

NOTE: If you are able to, please consider contributing to my TINY CHAPEL FUND. You can just CLICK THIS LINK. Any donation helps. Thank you so much!

Year Three, Week Thirteen

Hanging Out With Love Ladies

The other night

I had this 

AMAZING OPPORTUNITY

I was invited to 

lead a talk about

MEDITATION

and then to

MEDITATE

with this wonderful

group of friends

they met years ago

as parents of kids

around the same age

then one day

tragedy struck the group

and this was a

KEEN REMINDER

about impermanence

and about grief 

and about the need to

BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER ALWAYS

they still meet

they remind each other

they are there for each other

THEY ARE SANGHA

Thich Nhat Hanh 

tells us that 

the best we can do

for one another is 

to remind each other always

I LOVE YOU

and

I AM HERE FOR YOU

This is what they do for each other

when we sat down to meditate

something really hilarious happened

the teenage kids

of our lovely hostess

moved in and out of the room

and stage whispered

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

as we tried to sit

eyes closed

BREATHING

and focusing on our breath

a basketball bounced

on the kitchen floor

Myrtle the Ancient Boston Terrier

sat among us 

SNORING LOUDLY

I admit that

more than one of us

CRACKED UP

and I definitely was

one of the ones who

HAD TO LAUGH

It was all good though

in fact it was

BETTER THAN GOOD

because as I pointed out

the teenagers and the snoring

were this 

MAGNIFICENT METAPHOR

for the reality of life

and

for the reality of

MEDITATION PRACTICE

we do not live

in a bubble

in a vacuum

in a silent forest

OUR MINDS ARE FULL

thoughts come in

like bouncing basketballs

and snoring dogs

and funny kids

and that is

JUST FINE

we just say

of the thoughts

of the kids

of the dogs

I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU

and then we

KEEP BREATHING

Oh I had so much fun

hanging out with these

WONDERFUL WOMEN

Today I 

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I have so much gratitude

FOR COMMUNITY

Thank you

IMPORTANT NOTE: Speaking of community– a wonderful, wonderful opportunity has come into my life. I am trying to crowd fund the acquisition of a gorgeous TINY CHAPEL made lovingly with all salvaged materials. If I get it, it will be used for weddings, funerals, meditation classes, writing workshops, and as a sanctuary for people who are grieving, in particular for parents grieving the loss of children. I know it is a really big thing to ask you, my community, for help. I AM ASKING. Please help me. ANY DONATION would be SO AWESOME. To donate you can just CLICK THIS LINK RIGHT HERE. And please pass it on. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Namaste!

Year Three, Week Twelve

DIMES, Manhattan, NY

A couple of weeks ago

I was visiting Henry in NY

and we went to this

adorable little restaurant

DIMES

and I went to the loo

and I was sitting there

minding my own business

when I realised there was a 

calming male voice

ENGLISH ACCENT 

if I remember right

and I tune in

and I hear that he is

offering me

A GUIDED MEDITATION

right there

whilst I am 

TAKING A WHIZ

he is telling me to

BREATHE DEEPLY

that totally cracked me up

and recalls for me

when I went to 

MEDITATION CAMP

many years ago with

THICH NHAT HANH

(sorry to name drop)

they emphasized to us

GRATITUDE FOR EVERYTHING

and they specifically mentioned

that we should

BE GRATEFUL WHILST SHITTING

Look

I’m not always grateful

but i’m getting better at it

and I am getting better at

MINDFUL BREATHING ALWAYS

no matter where I am

in the last couple of posts

I mentioned I’ve been

WRESTLING WITH ANXIETY

of the sort that

had mostly been in remission

for some time

IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE

and kept manifesting as

A VERY BAD STOMACHACHE

and I paid attention a

as best I could

I kept asking myself

if this pain represented

RED FLAGS

or

FEAR OF VULNERABILITY

of course the answer could

very well be

ALL OF THE ABOVE

I still have some of that anxiety

but it is quieting down now

reminding me once again about

IMPERMANENCE 

I am just going to keep

trying to

PAY ATTENTION

and to 

BE MINDFUL

and to

REMEMBER TO BREATHE

wherever I am

Today I 

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I say

THANK YOU DISEMBODIED BATHROOM GURU

thank you very much

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